What is resistance, really?
Resistance is rarely unwillingness. It is a form of inner caution.
“I might want to say this… but is it safe enough here?”
“What will happen if I say this out loud?”
Resistance can take many forms, such as:
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Avoidance → “I’d rather not go into that.”
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Downplaying → “Oh, it wasn’t that bad, really.”
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Rationalizing → “That’s just how things work around here.”
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Anger or frustration → “What good will this do me?”
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Silence or withdrawal
See it as a signal. There is tension here. Something is being protected.
Recognizing resistance
It’s not only words that tell a story.
Pay attention to tone, body language, and subtle signals as well:
Verbal signals
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Short, dismissive answers
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Cynicism or sarcasm
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Phrases that repeat how “nothing will ever change”
Non-verbal signals
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Avoiding eye contact, closed posture
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Facial tension, sighing, discomfort
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Body ‘withdrawing’ from the conversation
What you observe is important. But how you respond determines what happens next.
What to do when you encounter resistance
Stay present and curious
Resistance is not a wall — it’s a question: Are you really here for me, even now?
- Name it without judgment
“I notice this is difficult for you to discuss. Is that right?”
“It seems like this affects you — would you like to say something about it?”
By gently reflecting, you invite without applying pressure.
- Ask open and deepening questions
“What makes this feel challenging for you?”
“What might help to explore this step by step?”
Avoid “why” questions — instead, use how and what questions that open up space.
- Normalize the reaction
“Many people feel doubt when talking about this. That’s understandable.”
“You don’t have to share anything you’re not ready to.”
Resistance is allowed. If you don’t push it away, the other person won’t have to hide it.
- Give autonomy back
“You decide what you want to share.”
“Shall we look at what would be helpful for you right now?”
Connection only arises when someone feels free to choose.
Unwillingness or resistance?
Recognizing the difference makes all the difference in connection
As a confidential advisor, it’s important to distinguish between someone who doesn’t want to and someone who is not yet able or ready.
Resistance is different from unwillingness
In conversations about culture change, behavior, and safety, resistance and unwillingness are often lumped together. Yet, knowing the difference is crucial. They require different approaches.
Resistance is usually a protective mechanism. It doesn’t stem from opposition, but from fear, uncertainty, or past experiences that felt unsafe. People showing resistance respond to atmosphere and context. Their behavior often says: “I want to, but I’m not ready or able yet.” This form of hesitation is usually changeable — provided recognition and space are offered. By truly listening and making safety tangible, movement often occurs.
Unwillingness, on the other hand, is different. It’s not a reaction to feelings, but a conscious choice not to participate. Unwillingness stems from conviction or rejection — for example, of the topic, the approach, or the conversation partner. Someone who is unwilling essentially says: “I don’t want this, and that is a deliberate decision.” Even if the environment is safe and inviting, this attitude often remains firm.
Failing to distinguish these two risks applying the wrong interventions. While resistance invites connection and acknowledgment, unwillingness sometimes calls for boundaries, clarity, or other conversation formats.
Recognizing what is happening is the first step toward effective action.
“Resistance is relational. Unwillingness is intentional.”
“Resistance requires closeness. Unwillingness requires boundaries.”
If you interpret resistance as unwillingness, you risk pushing too hard.
If you confuse unwillingness with resistance, you may keep pulling at something that doesn’t want to move.
Your strength lies in recognizing the difference — and responding accordingly.
What to avoid
What works counterproductively in conversations about safety and behavior
In conversations about difficult topics—such as boundary violations, discomfort at the workplace, or doubts about someone’s safety—not only what you say matters, but especially how you listen and respond. Some reactions may seem helpful but unintentionally have the opposite effect.
Getting into a debate might seem like a way to get to the heart of the matter, but it often triggers more defensiveness. Especially when someone is being vulnerable, the need for affirmation outweighs the need for contradiction. By debating, you close the door to openness.
Filling in or interpreting what the other person means, no matter how well-intentioned, often backfires. In doing so, you unconsciously take control, while it’s important that the employee finds their own words for what is happening. This is not only respectful but also strengthens ownership.
Trying to solve or push through too quickly often comes from involvement or time pressure. But if the other person doesn’t feel safe yet, they won’t open up. Speed can have the opposite effect: more withdrawal, less trust.
Judging behavior, whether verbal or non-verbal, makes someone feel small, wrong, or uncomfortable. Instead of acknowledgment, the other person experiences rejection. And that undermines the trust needed to be honest.
Those who want to make a real difference in these conversations choose to slow down, listen without judgment, and create space without taking over. Because safety begins with how we respond when things get difficult.
Resistance is an entry point, not a barrier
If you look closely, resistance tells you exactly where things are stuck, where it hurts, or where trust is missing.
The proactive confidential advisor dares to stay there.
Not to ‘break’ someone, but to be present.
So that the conversation doesn’t stop at resistance, but begins where it gets challenging.
This requires patience. Not with the content, but with the relationship.
And it is precisely there that the safety arises from which real change grows.